Category: Entertainment


NEW PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION

            This is probably the best e-mail I’ve seen in a long, long time. The
following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA.

‘We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help
everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep
our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of
debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby
try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the
terminally whiny, guilt ridden, and delusional. We hold these truths to be self
evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are
so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights.’

ARTICLE I:

You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other
form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is
guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II:

You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is
based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone –not just you!  You may
leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the
world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III:

You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a
screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool
manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV:

You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are
the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but
we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of
professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of
another generation of professional couch potatoes. This one is my pet
peeve…get an education and go to work..don’t expect everyone else to take care
of you!

ARTICLE V:

You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice,
but if it would turn out the same way as current public housing, we’re not
interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI:

You do not have the right to physically harm other people..If you
kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the
rest of us want to see you put away for the rest of your sorry life.

ARTICLE VII:

You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob,
cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be
surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you
still won’t have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII:

You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have
a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times,but we expect you to take
advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before
you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)

ARTICLE IX:

You do not have the right to happiness. Being an America means that
you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you
are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you
who  were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X:

This is an English speaking country. We don’t care where you are
from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from!

(and last but not least….)

ARTICLE XI:

You do not have the right to change our country’s history or
heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one God. You are given the
freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all, with no fear
of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history,
and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!

NOAH 2008

NOAH
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In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah,
who was now living in the United States , and said:
Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

cid:6A20C1A2E5B34AF982D0A97B470E6988@sueannPC
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard –
but no Ark.
Noah! He roared, I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?
Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, ‘but things have changed.

cid:F03EBD24BD7740C7A02B19CDF6B91949@sueannPC
I needed a building permit.

cid:B8183DA3AD024DCF9679EF7B11DA995B@sueannPC
I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

cid:DE1D0EA9612846DF87A353BDF9EB4E17@sueannPC
My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by
building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

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Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted
for the future costs of moving power lines
and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark ‘s move
to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us,
but they would hear nothing of it.

cid:698C9EF5AB4F40BE826987DEB0907A0A@sueannPC
Getting the wood was another problem.
There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls –

But no go!

cid:F0B3E04674D340B6A89EA09854F5184F@sueannPC
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.

They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel
and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

cid:CFDB49624A014E47BDB01CE5D8C0B5FD@sueannPC
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

cid:97AB7831749F42A0892A4DE6D33CB445@sueannPC
I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on
how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.

cid:BA287CAB44184880BE299F79B4AE4FC4@sueannPC
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most
of the people who want to work.

cid:34B44A35D41C476193EECFDF520A2021@sueannPC
The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only

Union workers with Ark-building experience.

cid:F04983DC39874021A155C866B70F492B@sueannPC
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to
leave the country illegally with endangered species.

cid:48C007CB7A9B45BEA74F6702CDF4F6DB@sueannPC
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

cid:E4F3B630280E49AAA11229E4F9CD9EB4@sueannPC
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky.

cid:E537E12E6B4E42EFA5F79B32134E3C13@sueannPC
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
‘You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?’


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‘No,’ said the Lord.
‘The government beat me to it.

FILM: A Perspective on Zambia

April 23

James Tembo, Detective – A Perspective on Zambia

A few weeks ago, I wrote a review for the movie The Great Debaters. In response, I was contacted by Kevin Hansston to look at a film called James Tembo, Detective. I ordered a copy off their site that night(http://www.jamestembo.com) and received it a couple of days ago. While many might have asked for a review copy, I did not want to have any idea that I might have been writing a "for hire" review.

The film is a re-imagining of the Resurrection story in modern Zambia. In the story, a prophet named Joseph has been killed by the religious leaders, who hire a mercenary "detective" named James Tembo. His job is to find the body, or at least write a report that glosses it over.

If you are looking for a slick Hollywood film with professional acting, this is not your vehicle. The production values are a bit low, as most of the film has been shot with a small video camera inside local establishments with very obvious lights. The camera work is occasionally shaky, especially in the opening sequence, and there is often rather loud ambient sound (bar patrons). In many ways, it is like a public access program with a better story line and better music. It is not the greatest movie as far as editing, and the script has points where you have to catch up with the plot twists. We now have the bad out of the way, so I can talk about random thoughts on the film. 🙂

Regardless of the acting, sound, lighting and script, I still found myself intrigued. A bit of my history might reveal why this statement is "profound". I have a degree in film and video and generally pay attention to all aspects of a film. If a film breaks the curtain, I am generally all over it. My wife has asked me to stop predicting the end of films, as most films use the standard three act model perfected by Syd Field. This film should have been a fertile ground for criticism, but I found myself going deeper instead.

Perhaps it is the rawness that had me looking for shining moments rather than tearing the film apart. It may also be a change in perspective due to my own adversity (Miranda’s battle with cancer). I am not sure. Either way, the values that would usually have me heavily criticizing had me compelled.

One thing that is interesting to see the differences in the salvation message. I am not sure whether these differences are completely cultural or at least partially due to the views of the missionaries involved. Either way, a Christian who is looking deeper at the film can learn some new information about how God works. There is something refreshing in a simplistic display of the message, especially one presented so genuinely (unlike our kabuki theater style presentations on Christian television in the United States).

I also found the film and interesting way to view another culture. In the bar scenes, there are signs with numbers like 16000 on the beer bottles. These are prices; It will cost you 16000 Zambia Kwacha to get a beer, or about $4.50 US, with the current rate of exchange. At the time the film was shot, the exchange rate was about 30000 to 1 (currently around 3500 to 1), which would mean 45 cents for a beer, in US dollars. As most things are negotiable in Zambia, the price is not necessarily what you would actually pay.

One of the reasons I was intrigued with the prices was a blog entry Scott Hanselman posted on Zimbabwe (Scott’s wife is from Zimbabwe). Zambia is just north of Zimbabwe and experiencing the same type of runaway inflation as Zimbabwe, only to a far lesser extent. Zambia is one of the countries the refugees from Zimbabwe are fleeing to. As you watch the film, you see both something modern (clothing) and something very old. You also see the ravages of poverty in the few scenes shot around the city.

The filmmakers hope that this film will help raise money for Zambia, or more precisely to aid their country. The film is being sold exclusively through the site. I am not sure they will reach this goal, at least not through human means.

Who is the best audience for this film? I can see two groups:

  1. Christians who wish to see a different perspective on the gospel message.
  2. Anyone interested in seeing life in Zambia, as revealed through the background of the film.

I must say this is the first film I have ever viewed from Zambia, much less anywhere in Africa other than South Africa. We simply do not see many films from this region in our video shelves. It is possibly this fact that explains why we know so little of the poverty that wracks this part of the world.

Peace and Grace,
Greg

I love this Doctor.

I love this Doctor. 

Q. I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste

them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend
the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field
grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of
your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,

that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.

If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! .. Foods are fried these days in vegetable

oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.

You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have

had about food and diets.  And remember:

‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of

arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in
the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
‘WOO HOO, What a Ride!!!
AND…..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on

nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer few er heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

changing light bulbs the Christian way

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Charismatic: Only 1

Hands are already in the air.

 

Pentecostal: 10

One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

 

Presbyterians: None

Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

 

Roman Catholic: None

Candles only.

 

Baptists: At least 15.

One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

 

Episcopalians: 3

One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

 

Mormons: 5

One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

 

Unitarians:

We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

 

Methodists: Undetermined

Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

 

Nazarene: 6

One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

 

Lutherans: None

Lutherans don’t believe in change.

 

Amish:

What’s a light bulb?

Attitude

Attitude
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a woman who woke up one morning,
looked in the mirror,
and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

Well," she said, "I think I’ll braid my hair today?"
So she did
and
she
had
a
wonderful
day.
““““

The next day she woke up,
looked in the mirror
and sa w that she had only two hairs on her head.


"H-M-M," she said,
"I think I’ll part my hair down the middle today?"
So she did
and
she
had
a
grand

day.

The next day she woke up,
looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.

"Well," she said ,
"today I’m going to wear my hair in a pony tail."
So she did
and
she
had
a
fun,
fun
day.

The next day she woke up,
looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn’t a single hair on her head.

"YEA!" she exclaimed,
"I don’t have to fix my hair today!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude is everything .

Be kinder than necessary,
for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply,

Love generously,

Care deeply,

Speak kindly…….

Leave the rest to God

 
Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass…

It’s about learning to dance in the rain.
 
 
 Yes!!!

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived.   Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.  

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.  However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.


St. Peter said, “Well, Forrest,
it is certainly good to see you.   We have heard a lot about you   I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”


Forrest responds, “It sure is
good to be here, St. Peter, sir.   But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.”


St. Peter continued, “Yes, I
know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

 

First:

What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

 

Second:

How many seconds are there in a year?

 

Third:

What is God’s first name?”


Forrest leaves to think the questions
over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers”


Forrest replied, “Well, the
first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter “T”?  Shucks, that one is easy.   That would be Today and Tomorrow.”


The Saint’s eyes opened wide and
he exclaimed, “Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.   How about the next one?” asked St. Peter.


“How many seconds in a year?
  Now that one is harder,” replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”


Astounded, St. Peter said, “Twelve?
  Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”


Forrest replied, “Shucks, there’s
got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd… ”


“Hold it,” interrupts St.
Peter.   “I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind….but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.  Can you tell me God’s first name”?


“Sure,” Forrest replied,
“it’s Andy.”


“Andy?” exclaimed an exasperated
and frustrated St Peter.  “Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”


“Shucks, that was the easiest
one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song, “ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.”


St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: “Run Forrest, run.”

 

DEAD SEA SCROLLS BEGIN HISTORIC U.S. TOUR

 

DEAD SEA SCROLLS BEGIN HISTORIC U.S. TOUR

Atlanta first stop of 28-city journey

(WASHINGTON, D.C., SEPTEMBER 9, 2006) — A groundbreaking 28-city, 28-month U.S. tour of the Dead Sea Scrolls and other remarkable Holy Land antiquities begins on Friday in Atlanta. Lynn and I will be there to help kick it off and we’d highly recommend you attend the exhibit when it comes through your area. A list of cities can be found on my weblog (see below).

"From Abraham To Jesus" features the largest and most breathtaking collection of Holy Land antiquities ever to hit U.S. soil, with some 240 priceless artifacts, some dating back to the time of Abraham, along with the first 3-D film made in Israel. The exhibit will feature the U.S. inaugural visit of some of the Dead Sea Scrolls (including The Isaiah Scroll), and the Ossuary (bone box) of Simon the Cyrene, the man who carried the cross for Jesus. This stunning 30,000 square foot walk-through exhibit will travel to 28 cities nationwide, beginning September 2006 and concluding December 2008.

The exhibit, which is sponsored and organized by a group of evangelical Christian business leaders in partnership with the Israeli Ministry of Tourism and archeologists at Hebrew University, is truly a can’t miss event. As I’ve been touring the country for THE COPPER SCROLL, it’s been striking to see the enormous and growing interest in ancient treasures, relics, scrolls and prophecies. People are increasingly fascinated, and rightly so, in the archaeological and historic roots of Judaism and Christianity. They’re looking for evidence for their faith. And "From Abraham To Jesus" gives people the opportunity to see some of the most amazing artifacts ever found, artifacts that suggest that the more we dig out of the ground, the more evidence we have that the Bible is true and trustworthy.

I hope you have the opportunity to see the exhibit for yourself.

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